Campaign headlines appearing soon?

Barry’s column appears every other week (I think) in the “Life” section of the Daily Local News. If you don’t always read that section you might miss it.

He comes from a long line of “humorists”. If you sit at his table, make sure that someone knows the “Heimlich Maneuver”, laughing and eating don’t always go together.

He is also a Democratic Party attorney.

Jim Pitcherella

Sunday, May 25, 2008
DAILY LOCAL NEWS
Campaign headlines appearing soon?
With this year’s incredibly long presidential primary season (comedian Jon Stewart refers to it as “The long, slow, Bataan Death March to the White House”), I think we’ve seen just about every newspaper headline you could possibly imagine.
Except these, which I expect to see any day now:
Hillary endorses Barack, vows to fight on
In a nationally televised news conference last night, presidential candidate and former first lady Hillary Clinton announced that she had finally decided to endorse Barack Obama to be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States.
Immediately after the announcement, however, Clinton gave a speech at a bar in Sore Bottom, Ore., in which she vowed – over shots of tequila – to stay in the race.
“This race is far from over. I am not about to drop out of it because of one little endorsement. Just because Senator Obama has received my endorsement doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop fighting to be this party’s nominee. No, I am in this race until the last dog dies. Oh, but don’t tell Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick that, or it might happen.
“Besides, it’s clear at this point that hard-working, white male Americans who go to meetings where they dress up in white sheets and hoods and burn crosses are never going to vote for Barack Obama. But they will vote for me!“
Upon hearing of both the endorsement and the later statement, the Obama campaign released a statement, which said:
“Barack Obama is pleased and gratified to receive the endorsement of such an able individual as Hillary Clinton. We’re kind of puzzled, however, as to why she’s not getting out of the race like every other candidate who has dropped out and endorsed us. Frankly, we think this woman is an out-of-control maniac who just won’t take a hint. At this point, we’re frankly worried that if Mr. Obama is nominated and wins the election in November, Mrs. Clinton will show up at the inauguration in January and insist on being sworn in!”
McCain promises victory in Iraq
Republican presidential candidate John McCain, in a nationally televised speech in front of a packed VFW hall in tiny Stench Hollow, W. Va., promised that if he is elected president, the U.S. would achieve victory in Iraq by 2108.
Said McCain, “The problem with this war is that everyone is taking such a short-term view of it. The fact that this thing has gone on longer than World War II without our troops pacifying even the capital city
READ THE REST OF THE COLUMN HERE:
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